Equality is such a buzzword right now. It’s a word that I usually just scroll past when I’m on Facebook. It isn’t a word that gets me fired up and ready to protest. It is definitely an over used word that seems to mean “I’m right and you are wrong” more than its actual definition. But, like I said, its a buzzword and it finally caught my attention when I stumbled upon a post about equality in marriage and it inspired me to share why I actually love my unequal marriage.
I’ve shared my thoughts on marriage before and how it is a covenant, not a contract. It is not an “if you do this, then I’ll do that” relationship. Its an “I’ll do my part no matter what you do” relationship. That post leads perfectly into this one. I didn’t get married so that I can keep a tally of everything my husband does and I match it equally, return the favor, keep a balance. I got married so that I could serve him and his needs and if I married the right guy, which I did, he should feel the same about our marriage.
Okay, so why do I love my unequal marriage? Because, I would never be able to hold up my end of an equal marriage. That has definitely proven to be true the last few months. This pregnancy has been hard on me. Partially because its my third and my body isn’t as strong as it was 5 years ago, pre babies, but its also because I struggle with seasonal affective disorder. When you pile pregnancy on top of seasonal depression, the result isn’t great. You know what has been great? My husband’s support. His desire to be the sole provider for our family and still come home to do the dishes, give the kids a bath, clean up the toy room, and rub my sore legs is true love. And do you know what he expects from me? Nothing! And do you know why? Because our marriage isn’t meant to be equal, it isn’t an if/then contract.
There has also been times in our marriage when I have had to carry the burden, specifically when we first moved here. I had to take care of all of our immigration paperwork, getting our health care set up, registering Carter for school, and figuring out how to pay for all of our moving expenses with our zero Canadian dollars. Not an easy burden to carry. You know what Rusty had to do? Go to work at 8a.m. and leave work at 4:30, thats about it. If I was expecting equality, I probably would have packed up and moved back to the States, but I didn’t except that because our marriage isn’t equal.
In addition to the times in our marriage that life gets difficult for either one of us and the other has to pick up the slack, I am a women, wife, mother, and my husband is all man and dad. He isn’t meant to do a lot of the things I do around here, it isn’t part of his biology to make our house into a home. He isn’t great at picking out clothes for the kids or noticing that Monroe peed one too many times around the toilet bowl instead of in the toilet bowl. On the same hand, I am not strong enough to carry bins of clothes to the basement or withstand the ice cold Canada air while breaking down the recycling on trash day. There are many times that I proudly tell the kids, “I can’t, but I bet dad can,” because I can’t do everything, I wasn’t created with the ability to do everything. Sometimes, I need help from my husband.
So with all the talk of equality going on right now, I’d like to take it as an opportunity to share the joy and necessity of an unequal marriage. Trust me when I say there is no way I could ever pay Rusty back for the extra work he has taken on this past 9 months, but also trust me when I tell you that he doesn’t want me to pay him back. I pray that you can find as much satisfaction in your unequal marriage as I do everyday.
Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.